Mischief Part 1

Here comes a double header, and by that I mean a two-headed hydra which will rip apart some of the best loved franchises in the world. In part one we will extol the virtues of:

Why Star Wars SUCKS



"Star Wars was the film that ate the heart and soul of Hollywood. It created the big-budget comic-book mentality." -Paul Schrader

Thank you Paul. I am so glad to know that I am not the only member of the human race that has this feeling. There is so much absolutely wrong with this franchise that I don't know where to begin. Make no mistake though, I shall plow through the mountain of scat inexorably until it is finally smoothed out for a decent parking lot. So, deep breath and let's dive in, shall we?

First let's start with where this behemoth started. In the middle, because that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? We open with...Scrolling text. Yes. This is an excellent beginning. The audience comes to movies because they want to read. This means the best movie ever should be entirely text based. Is this a cheap shot? Yes, it absolutely is. Many movies begin with text but we're mostly talking a paragraph at most in general, not half the damn script. 

I could go on, but that's a warm-up act. I need to really get in the mood because this is not a sprint, this is a marathon against a beast of epic proportions. 

I have watched the films. All of them. I just do not get how this franchise could have spawned a $9billion empire..You read that right. Let me spell it out for you. Nine Billion Dollars. If the fans had poured that money into scientific pursuits to actually, oh, I don't know, GO IN TO SPACE, then we'd probably be living their fantasy right now. Ok, granted, we wouldn't have scantily clad aliens to drool over or have to drool over us at our whims. Yeah, you know the aliens I'm talking about, I just refuse to dignify this monster by perpetuating the name. If you don't know, congratulations, you are one step farther back from failing at life.

This isn't to say that anyone who's watched, and possibly likes, the films themselves fail at life. Far be it from me to toss that proverbial stone in that direction. I have to seriously question their taste in films, but that's just how life goes. The problem is, a majority of the people I know who like the films, can't just like the films. No. They have to like the films, the books, the comic books, the Billy Dee Williams bedsheets, the tiny action figures, the boxers, the shirts, the coffee mugs, Burger King...Really do I need to go on with this nonsense? We aren't fed so much as have it shoved simultaneously down our throats and up our asses in ways that would make the biggest hentai tentacle rape monster step back and say "Hey guys, um, that's a little...much, don't you think?" 

I long for the day that I can go without hearing a quote. I really do. I mean, yes, I quote films all the time. But spouting the same boring, been there done that, piece of shit drivel continuously really does start to become tiresome doesn't it? The Force is not what? You're damned right it's not. Join the Dark Side? Already so far past that at this point that they almost seem like white knights of truth and justice. Here's a good quote for you, from that wonderful little geek comic XKCD, "I find your lack of original conversation disturbing." 

And that's really the worst part of it. Geek culture. Let's face facts. I'm a geek. I am on my laptop continuously, or when not there on the internet via my phone. I make gaming references both video game and tabletop role-playing. I can take any computer apart and put it back together and usually having it working harder and more efficiently than when I got my hands on it. I'm a complete tech-head and technophile. I love sci-fi settings. But what I cannot stand is that it seems to be that to earn 'geek cred' you seem to have to be a die-hard fan of Star Wars.

Fuck. That.

I never saw any of the films in the theater. I don't own the VHS, DVD. I have never bought anything because it has a Star Wars label branded on it like a skinny, disease ridden cattle that has no legs and barely manages to squirm along on the ground in it's own filth. As a matter of fact, I have gone out of my way to avoid things that are labeled such with a vehement passion. Geek used to be a subculture. Something that was outside of the mainstream, something that was kept to a few. If we're considering someone a geek simply based on having watched Star Wars, I've got news for you. Everyone's seen it. Now, get over it and move along to better sci-fi films.

The writing! I will grant you, I am not the greatest author on the face of the Earth. There are those who's writing makes mine easily look like a middling child in comparison, who's ability to put words to paper in such a way as to move, inspire and evoke reaction is so far beyond my own kenning that I do not even see the light on the horizon. George Lucas is not one of these gifted individuals. His writing I more equate to spelling your name in the snow with piss whilst drunk, chasing pink elephants, trying to bite your own ear off and lick your elbow all simultaneously. Listening to the dialog, watching the pacing, feeling every second as I die a little inside, my soul tormented and attempting to escape via my urethra and drag my testicles along with it, my brain bashing itself against the interior of my skull begging and pleading for the pain to end...This is my experience in watching the films. I find greater intellectual stimulation in Barney reruns. 

Speaking of Barney, I wonder how many people realize that the series was all intended for children. Roughly between the ages of ten to twelve, oh wait, eight to nine! Oh somewhere in there, according to Lucas. In his writing Lucas seems to have completely forgotten one very, very important aspect. Children do not go to the theater alone. Toss a bone to the adults, will you?

Wait, he did that. With nods to the fetish community in the aforementioned aliens, including a particularly skimpy outfit for our dashing heroes' love interest as she dances around for something that looks like it ate Rosy O'Donnell after having been spawned by Mazzio's and a drooling moron. The same woman who also happens to be his sister which also further includes a small nod to the incest fans out there. Oh! Let's not forget all the amputee fetishists as well with more limb lopping than a hedge trimmer. It's ok kids, they can miraculously put that hand back on so Luke won't have to miss a single night of jerking it to the memory of kissing his sister.

Damnit! Look at what this has made me do. I've gone and treated the characters like they were living beings for a moment instead of carved out of wood pulp. The amount of philosophy being spouted from these stilted mannequins is greater than the weight of all the gold of Fort Knox, and yet simultaneously shallower than the layer of lube left in all of these virgin minds by Lucas' virtual cock called Star Wars. To be quite frank, I am surprised we have not yet had Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, and pretty much every other philosopher in existence rise from their graves to march on Lucas' home and pummel him until there's little left than a thick, squishy paste that would still have more depth to it than his damn writing.

Star Wars has done little but somehow inspires people to spend assloads of cash, sit through what I can only consider a two to three hour exploration in masochism SIX TIMES, get hailed as the second coming without contributing a damn thing, get excused time and time again, have flaws glossed over by fans and make people line up for days on end for the chance to be bent over and have more crap crammed up their ass by their new god Lucas, all without somehow being made of pure gold and giving the audience a free blowjob with every viewing. 

Fuck George Lucas. He touched me and I can't even show where on that god damned doll!

I'm done with this. Feel free to leave a comment. And don't get smug Trekkies, you're up next.